It takes Faith

I want to start by saying that when Dave and I decided to try for a second child I prayed and asked God to please bless me with a little girl.  Then we found out we were expecting and I prayed and prayed and prayed for a little girl.  I knew this was going to be my last pregnancy, so I was so wanting a little girl.  God knew what was on my heart.  So when I found out we were having a girl I knew that it was God's work!

When we were told about the cleft, like I said before, I was devestated!  I knew God would not give us more than we could handle but why did he allow this?  I cried and cried.  I remember sitting on my floor, bible open, reading Gods word.  Then just crying and asking God why, why us?  It was the hardest thing I have ever delt with.  I love my husband dearly but trying to talk to a man about your feelings is hard.  I didn't know what to say to him.  How did he feel about this?  Niether of us really talked about it for a week or so.  I had my Mom to talk to which was nice.  She has gone through this with my brother so surely she will know what I am feeling.  But my brothers cleft was a birthday surprise so she went through her pregnancy "happy".  Was I going to be able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy?  Should I tell others about the cleft now or wait until Lily is born?  Should I have a baby shower still?  So many questions.  I prayed every day, fervently, about the questions. 

The other thing I was thinking about was will she have a cleft palate?  A cleft lip, for a lack of better words, is "cosmetic" but a cleft palate was so much more of a big deal.  Feeding issues, speech issues, more surgery, so many other complications.  We had to meet monthly with a High Risk Fetal Health Doctor to do sonograms.  I asked him every time we saw her, can you tell if her palate is involved?  Every time he said the same thing.  It looks like it could be, but what is the difference?  She will have to have surgery regaurdless.  Again, terrible bedside manner.  Remember Mr. Doctor you are talking to a very emotional pregnant woman!  And, it does matter.  But if you can't tell just say that, don't tell me it doesn't matter.  We chose after seeing him for 3 months we were not going to go back.  Nothing was changing with her so we thought it was pointless to pay him to tell us every month that he still detected a bilateral cleft lip. 

Onto my first day of work, after finding out about the cleft.  It was a Friday.  I was still in shock and devestated.  I had two coworkers that stood out that day and TRUELY took time for me.  Hugged me and let me just cry.  I can't tell you enough how much that impacted me.  It is amazing how God puts certian people in your life at the right time.  They both made me have a change of heart that day.  I knew I would be alright.  I knew that Dave and I could take this challenge on.  From that day forward I started to do some research.  I came across a cleft board of Moms all over the world.  Moms that have shared their stories of their little ones clefts.  I read so many stories.  I felt as if God lead me to that site to start healing my broken heart.  I started feeling more confident about things and started sharing about Lily's cleft more.  While I was starting to open up to people more, I was getting more okay with things. 

Comments that made me cringe:

-At least it is just cosmetic.
-That can be fixed.  (Just so you know, my daughter is not broken)
-She will look perfect after surgery.  (I think she is perfect now!)
-There are far worse things that could be wrong.  (Yes granted there is, however this still stinks!)

I did hear a lot of these comments and still do.  It is hard to hear sometimes, even though people are just trying to be nice.  Comments I loved (and still love) hearing were ones like she will be (is) beautiful!  She will be (is) so loved!  She will be (is) perfect and God has a plan for her!  That one stood out to me!  You are right, she has been ordained by God to come into this world.  She will have a plan for her life.  That is when I decided that as soon as she was old enough her and I were going to start going on Mission trips together.  What a wonderful way to show her how lucky she is.  So many other kids in the world are suffering far worse that what she will have to deal with.  What a plan.  Now I am really okay with things because God has completely shown me that she is here for a purpose, HIS!  How could I not be okay with this?!  Thank you God for showing me though this time!  I could not have done it without him.

I wanted to start a blog.  Something that I could share with Lily someday.  Something that will help family and friends know what we are doing, and the journey Lily will go through with her cleft lip. 

We went in to have an ultrasound on Jan. 26, 2012.  This was our 20 week anatomy scan that would tell us if we were about to give Jackson a baby brother or sister!  I was so excited and nervous all at the same time.  I was up the whole night before.  I think I thought there was going to be something "wrong".  It was so strange.  The whole pregnancy I was sure I was having a little girl, but about an hour before our scan I was convinced we were having a boy.  I was googling boy names because I was so sure.  So we go in for our scan.  Jackson was with us.  I wanted the ultrasound tech to tell him what we were having and then him to tell us.  We video taped him telling us.  We are having a baby sister.  I was so very excited!  A little girl to go shopping with.  A little girl to go get our nails done together with.  A little girl to watch her get dressed up to go to prom.  A little girl to one day watch marry the man of her (and her Mom and Dad's) dreams.  A little girl to watch someday become a Mommy too.  I was "tickled pink"!  As the tech was doing my scan I noticed she was really looking at the face for a long time.  With our family history of clefts I was very worried.  We got in the car after we were done and I looked at Dave and said, "she looked at the face for a long time".  He just said, "I know".  We were both worried.  I waited through the weekend and on Monday called my OB's office.  They went through the entire report of the scan.  The last thing was "other concerns" and the nurse said they suspect a cleft palate.  My stomach dropped.  I was so scared.  They told me I needed to go in to a perinatologist and have a level 2 scan done.  I made my appointment and had to wait a week for it.  That was a crazy hard week.  So many things go through your head.  But then came the day.  Feb. 1, 2012.  We went to see the Perinatologist.  I was so nervous!  We had to take Jack with us because he had gotten sick earlier in the day.  We went in.  The Dr. was very impersonable.  Not what an expecting momma needs for sure.  He was going over all the major organs.  Both hemisphers of the brain look good.  Four chambers of heart look good.  Two kidneys look good, lungs look good.  Bladder intact.  Stomach looks good.  Cord blood vessels look good.  Then he hovers over the face.  And he is looking...........and looking...... and looking.  He says, "yep, she has a bilateral cleft lip".  I said WHAT?  I was expecting to hear she has a cleft palate, I never expected anything with a lip.  And he was just so non shulant about it.  I looked over at Dave and he just grabbed my hand.  I just started to cry.  They gave us the number to Children's Mercy Cleft Team (which I know very well seems I work in the same clinic, ha) and sent us on our way.  I have never felt so sick in my life.  All of those things that I had hoped and dreamed for with a little girl, would they come true?  Would she grow up being made fun of?  Would anyone ever ask her to prom?  Would anyone want to marry her and have children with her?  I knew that my faith was going to have to pull me through.